It’s in the Cards.
On Tuesday, the 10th of march, I had a tarot card reading. It was after a presentation on Digital Literacy at the Austin Chapter of the Romance Writers of America. I had planned to do a live demo and Q & A, but the WiFi was MIA, and I couldn’t get a 3G signal on my netbook. But I went on anyway, and the crowd was full of questions (and even some answers) making it one of the best presentations. I have done at this point.
Skyler White (http://www.skylerwhite.com/) a steampunk,goth and vampiric novel goddess, read my cards in a three card spread. And though two of the three have since left my memory, what they said made me think and thus made me write.
“Shuffle the cards as you ask your question”, she said as I picked up the cards.
I took the cards with some fear. But I did what she asked, but there was a problem.
There were many too many questions in my mind and they were far too complicated for just a simple spread.
I wanted to ask of love; not the cliche ‘will I ever find the man of dreams?’. I found him already, but I also routinely dream of having therapy sessions with purple mice (that is NOT a slight to you, Judith…), so being insanely happy with The RedHead is not unusual. I wanted to know if I could be myself and still have his love.
I wanted to ask about my career and the fears I had with that. I have passion and knowledge, but I battle every second with the fear of the open world, people and failure. It wasn’t always like this, but at present it is my truth. At best I can take the reigns and plow along. At worst, I never leave my room. Every step towards the goal is a step into the wide world with room to create everything. Or nothing.
How I miss those days when I knew that any and everything was possible.
So, after sitting the briefest of moments I asked a simple question.
“How do I get back to where I was?”
Where was I?
I was free…
After years of being a fundamentally religious household, I got up and left. I have faith in myself that was firm and rock solid. I knew that as long as I prepared, there was nothing I couldn’t overcome. And most times I was right. We (me and the girls) went everywhere and did a lot of stuff. And we were happy.
Then something happened. I’m not sure what, and frankly, it’s irrelevant. Something happened and I developed a fear of the world. I was afraid to fail and let myself or my family down. I was afraid to reach out for the things I wanted. So I stopped for a long time.
And here I am. Too frightened to move, but moving anyway. A victim of my chronic self-promotion and self sabotage in turns.
How do I get back to that solid faith and that feeling: that feeling of being prepared and fight for the things I love? That feeling that every road will get me to my goal, it’s just a matter of distance and scenery?
How do I get back to where I was?
And this is what the cards said:
1) Get over yourself… This was a prince card; that was all I remember. Skyler told me that this card indicated a calmness in the midst of “adolescent-like emotionality”. That I have in spades. Going back to the presentation, when I realized that I couldn’t do the demo, my mind exploded into a Greek Chorus of damnation, distress and insult:
“Why didn’t you check first?”
“What kind of pro doesn’t prepare?”
“You have royally fucked this up!”
“What were you thinking?”
I had no answers, so I slinked to the back of the room and stuffed myself to comfort and waited. And as I waited, I heard one voice.
“You have done your best.”
The voice recites a quote from the research I was did that morning, before I put it away to watch Saw 5. Twice.
“In today’s digital climate, for the first time in modern history it is to be expected that the students know more about the technology than the one tasked to teach them.”
“Now go and do your best.”
And I do. And it was glorious. I had a blast and so did everyone else.
When I heard her interpretation, it rang true.
2) The Platform. This was a bit trickier. The card itself was a ten of water, I think. Damned the memory. Anywho, Skyler talked of a dynamic, but stable, platform that is the the set point of the forward progress I’m making to accomplish my goal.
The first thing that came to my head was The RedHead. He is the man I love, my dream man (in spite of the purple mice) and my uber-nemesis for years. I would not have gotten this far without his encouragement and strength against the force of my tantrums.
But the question was how could I do this? What could I do? That took a trip to the bookstore.
Every Wednesday I go to several bookstore as part of my ritual of getting out of the house. This week I was looking for a replacement for the book my boss was eyeing on my desk. Never found it, but I did find this:
GETTING KNOWN BEFORE THE BOOK DEAL: Using your personal strengths to grow an Author Platform by Christina Katz
Platform? I continue reading…
[Definition Of Platform]
Platform encompasses all the ways you are visible and appealing to your future, potential or actual readership. Platform development is important not only for authors; it’s also crucial for aspiring and soon-to-be authors. Your platform includes your Web presence, public speaking, teaching, your publication credits, and any other means you have for making yourself known to a viable readership.
Platform. And if there’s any doubt, the following blurb by author Lee Silber washes it away:
The difference between a struggling author searching for a book deal and the happily published author is a well developed platform
And the third card:
“It would be foolish to do it; it would be foolish not to.”
The Fool. The Alpha and the Omega of the major arcana. The one that with his trusty companion and the bag of memories and dreams is always on the edge of the cliff.
It’s marked by the number zero, which is fitting really because zero runs on a plain different from all the other numbers. You don’t count to zero and if you add zero to another number, you get the same thing you started with.
But you can only go so far without it. It is a placeholder yes, but that placeholder is the difference between a morsel (1%), a little (10%) and everything (100%).
It is the thing we start with at our birth and end up with at our death. It is the silent space, the starting point where every grand adventure begins.
It is the faith that’s courageous to the point of naivete and the wisdom to know that there isn’t a thing so dangerous as a person with nothing to lose.
It was the fool that pushed me to see the world and what scared me these last few years.
It is the place where everything is possible if you have the blind faith to take on the task.
It is the life that I want.
It is comfort incarnate.
Is this the magic of the tarot (insert spooky noises here) working here? Did the cards see deep into my soul and read my mind?
Nope. It’s a perspective change.
The cards cannot read.
They are a mirror.
They show you who you are.
They are suggestions to get you walking forward with a little more faith.